


let's walk together

by witchvixx



Category: VIXX
Genre: Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Other, hongbin centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 00:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14484252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchvixx/pseuds/witchvixx
Summary: He doesn't know what he's looking for, what he wants. He just wants to be okay again. For one day.





	let's walk together

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: THIS FIC CONTAINS MENTIONS OF ANOREXIA, BEHAVIORS OF ANOREXIA, AND OTHER SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS. PLEASE BE AWARE OF THAT BEFORE READING AS IT CAN BE TRIGGERING.
> 
> With that being said, this fic is more of personal dump of my struggles with eating disorders. They are extremely hard to deal with and it's hard to talk about but while writing this, it didn't feel as hard to talk about. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Eating disorders are very hard to have and hard on the friends and family of the person who has it. Everyday can be very hard and it takes years. If you ever need to talk about something, im always willing to listen, im on tumblr as @incorrectvixx . Talking about eating disorders is hard for me and hard for a lot of people because it never goes away. anyways, hope yall enjoy

The hunger he feels is real. He doesn’t remember the last time that he had a full meal, when it wasn’t ice cubes and carrots, when it wasn’t rice cakes and water, when he didn’t cut his meals up to make it go down easier, when he ate something past sundown. 

When he looks in the mirror, all he sees is fat, that's all that sticks out, he’s never felt more ugly in his whole life. The ifs and maybes run through his mind, begging him to do something about this, make him look less like this and more like the beautiful people that he sees in the magazines. He just wants to be liked, he just wants to be noticed.

He just wants to disappear.

.

People talk, they always do. He hates hearing what they have to say, he hates that he has to listen to them anyways. He scared to be accepted but he can’t be rejected. His biggest failure in life is letting those words consume him, like a fire, from the inside, burning him up, ruining his life, letting him wilt like a flower in the summer heat, leaving behind the carcass of something beautiful and innocent. 

“Hongbin are you sure you’re okay?” Hakyeon asked him once. At the time Hongbin shrugged because no, he’s not, but it’s hard to say that. He knows Hakyeon will hate what he’s done, doing to his body, so he can’t know. If he does, he will try to stop him. Hakyeon is thin and pretty and dainty, everything that Hongbin can’t be. His jaw is too strong, his face is too large and he hates the shadows that is casted from his nose. It’s too much to look at.

“Make sure to eat before you go to bed Hongbinnie.” Taekwoon told him when he walked past him to go to bed weeks ago. Hongbin had shook his head and assured him that he would, even making a show of going to the kitchen like he would make something. It appeased Taekwoon enough to continue to his room. Once he heard the door close, Hongbin put his shoes on to head to the gym for a late night gym session. The thought of eating made him more paranoid than he thought it would. 

“Binnie, do you want some more cake?” Jaehwan somehow said around a piece of cake in his mouth. Hongbin shook his head, too tired to talk. It was exhausting, being around so many people, acting like the cake he ate was good, acting like he isn’t dying on the inside at how much weight he just gained, how many calories that was, oh god, how much sugar was probably in that cake, he’s going to ballon up tomorrow, he’ll look so ugly no one will want him, no one will love him, no can love someone as ugly as him, he can feel the weight being gained as he sit there. No one says anything when he excuses himself to the restroom where he promptly shoves his fingers down his throat. The familiar burn is like coming home.

“I think we should stop for today Hongbin. I’m seriously tired and you’ve been here longer than me.” Wonshik’s labored breathing laced every word and Hongbin hands him a bottle of water than he downs in moments. Hongbin told him to go home but Wonshik insisted that Hongbin come with him. It didn’t make a difference to Hongbin at the time. He had already been at the gym once before in the morning and he was on his fourth hour in this session so when he’s dragged home by Wonshik, he falls straight into bed, letting sleep take his body away, lets his mind turn off. It’s not even dark out when the darkness takes him over. No one even wakes him dinner. It’s the perfect night.

“Oh my God! Hongbin!” Hyuk shrieks and lazily, Hongbin opens his eyes. It’s sluggish, the small movement. The water feels like ice, it’s horrid and Hongbin wonders why he does this to himself, to them, the only people who don’t think he’s ugly. He’s not in control anymore, he’s let it take over his mind, his body, he’s watching his life play out from the sidelines, but he just wanted to be thin. He’s not in control when he’s dragged out of the tub, wrapped up in a blanket and suddenly people are talking to him, over him, around him. He’s not in control. He’s never been in control.

.

The clinic is cold, sterile. He hates it already. It’s not warm like home. He misses home. He misses working out. He misses his members. He misses so much. He hates it here. He hates that he has no one to blame for himself. It’s always his fault. 

He doesn’t eat here, he refuses to. Nothing is good, it all taste stale and oversalted. They watch him like a hawk, making sure he doesn’t shove his food onto someone else’s plate. He’s only done it once before and suddenly they can’t take their eyes off of him. So he just saves them the trouble and doesn’t eat.

The doctor tries to get a feeding tube. He screams and yells and locks himself in his bathroom, physically ill at the idea of being forced to eat. When the orderly unlocks the door, the doctor tells him that he won’t get the tube. It’s the only good thing he hears all week.

He isn’t allowed visitors yet. He has to wait another week before that. He doesn’t know how many weeks have passed but it’s always one more week. He misses his friends so much, even if they put him in here to rot. They mean well, they always do. If he has any regrets, it’s letting them get close. He’s going to die, it’s going to be soon. He hears the doctors talk about his nailbeds, about his heart, about his weight. It’ll be over soon and they know it. He doesn’t care. He would give it all up, just to be thin, just to be perfect. Just for a day.

.

He’s told to sit down on the couch when he gets into therapy and he does, like normal. He’ll sit there, listen to the therapist talk for an hour because he isn’t going to talk, and then leave. They have the routine down. Hongbin thinks the therapist knows he’s dying too. It’s not a well kept secret around this place it seems. He brings his feet up on the couch and pushes himself close to the armrest. He feels small on the big couch. It’s his favorite place to sit during therapy.

The door opens and Hongbin doesn’t look at to see his therapist, has no need. It’s the same song and dance, just a new day. Another day closer.

“Hongbinnie.” A shaky voice that Hongbin would know even underwater finds its way to his ears and his eyes snap up to see him. No words can leave Hongbin’s mouth, he feels too overwhelmed to say anything. He stands on unsure legs and rushes to him, throwing his arms around him, strong and sturdy Hakyeon who calls him everyday, telling him to be strong, that he’s waiting for him to come home. 

They sit on the couch and talk. Hongbin isn’t sure for how long, but he wouldn’t trade this moment for the world. The way Hakyeon talks to him, holds his hands, warms them in between in his own make the past weeks feel like a distant memory. 

“Hongbinnie.” That soft voice says again and Hongbin knows what’s coming, knows Hakyeon is here to tell him to eat, that he needs to eat if he wants to come home. But that never comes. Instead, he sees tears fill Hakyeon’s eyes, crying because of him. It’s always his fault. “Hongbinnie, I need you know I love you so much. You’re like my little brother and it hurts to see you like this. I want to fix you, but I can’t-”

Hongbin’s heart skips a beat when Hakyeon breaks off with a heartbreaking sob, it hurts to hear him go on. 

“I can’t fix this Binnie, I can’t and the doctors said that they can’t either because you won’t eat and it hurt so fucking much Hongbin.” Hongbin’s breath catches in his throat. Hakyeon rarely curses, even more rare does he curse at Hongbin in anger. “I hate this situation Hongbin, I want you back, I want you to come back, why can’t you come back?”

Hakyeon won’t stop crying now and this hurts Hongbin more than anything else, knowing that he did this. He wants to fix this, but he doesn’t know how. He never knows how to help. Hakyeon calms down enough to continue but he wishes he hadn’t.

“I’ve come to terms with it, Hongbin. That you’re going to leave me, leave us, and I hate it. It feels like there’s a hole in my heart and nothing can fill it. I can’t stop you from going but please Hongbin,” Hakyeon grips Hongbin’s hands tightly and this grip isn’t as tender but it’s strong, it keeps Hongbin grounded. “Know that I love you so much, so many people love you. If you don’t want to stay alive for yourself, stay alive for them, for me, until you find that will again. Let me walk with you until the end.”

Hongbin doesn’t respond, he doesn’t think he should, not after that. It’s too much. Hakyeon is too much. No one should love him, no one ever has. But why would Hakyeon cry for him if he didn’t love him? 

At dinner, he tries the oversalted meatloaf. It taste like dirt, but Hongbin remembers Hakyeon’s sobbing face and letters that his members sent with Hakyeon to give to him, all filled with love and support and pleas to eat. He takes another bite and then another and one more before he shoves the plate away. 

His therapist tells him Hakyeon would be proud him. Hongbin smiles at the thought of Hakyeon being proud of something so simple.

He doesn’t regret eating if it makes Hakyeon happy.

.

They all visit, at least once during the week. He finds out from a nurse that apparently they’ve all taken breaks from activities, it was announced around the same time Hakyeon showed up. He feels selfish for always wasting their time. They always tell him that being selfish isn’t bad, he should try it more. 

So he does.

.

Leaving is bittersweet. He didn’t enjoy the clinic but he enjoyed the structure of it. He knew when to eat, what to eat, what he could do, what he would be punished for. In the real world, those same rules don’t apply. He’s all on his own again with a meal plan in one hand and his water bottle in the other.

Except his isn’t alone anymore. His room in the apartment hasn’t changed a bit, it’s the same as he left it, neat and tidy. The only thing missing is the mirror that was standing in the corner. Sanghyuk informs him that he moved it to his room and to use it anytime he wants. Hongbin just thanks him. For what, he doesn’t know.

The others help him unpack before they order chicken for dinner. It’s been a long day and no one feels like cooking. When it arrives, they wait with baited breath to see Hongbin eat. He takes a bite and almost moans at the taste. He hasn’t had good food in months and he forgot what real food tasted like that isn’t bland and then oversalted to compensate. The rest dig in as soon as he swallows his first bite.

He’s at normal body weight now and while he doesn’t love his body, he doesn’t hate it either. He no longer stares in the mirror begging God to get rid of him, but he doesn’t find the beauty in his body either. 

He has good days, where he allows himself to laze around the house and do nothing but enjoy the company of the others, lets Jaehwan play with his hair and Wonshik lay his head on his lap while Taekwoon cooks dinner for them. He lets Hakyeon drag him to bed and cuddle him when the thoughts start to get loud again until they get quiet and he can live with himself another day. When he’s really having a good day, he goes to Sanghyuk’s room and sits on the floor and looks in the mirror, just looking at his reflection, one that he had grown to hate, accepting it for a while. He doesn’t mind when Sanghyuk catches him. If he can’t compliment himself, Sanghyuk will always make up for it.

There are bad days too. Days where Hakyeon can’t make the thoughts go away and he hates himself, hates everyone for making him gain weight, and Hakyeon’s soft words ease the pain for only a moment. Times when Taekwoon catches him skipping dinner and has to sit him down at the table and waits, waits for Hongbin to eat anything, please, just one bite, please. There are endless amounts of times he’s rejected food because he doesn’t want anymore weight, he has enough and everytime he does, he tries to ignore the hurt look on Jaehwan's face. The regretful day where Wonshik found him on his knees, bent over the toilet, fingers down his throat, purging up dinner, crying, at the horrible feeling and how soft Wonshik held him as he cried and cried. The worst is when Sanghyuk found him, sitting in ice cold bath water again, crying, like always. Expect this time he doesn’t haul him out, but undresses and gets in with him, despite Hongbin’s protests that it’s too cold for him, sitting behind him, strong and steady. He drains the tub and turns on some warm water that melts Hongbin against him. 

“Don’t hurt alone anymore.” Hongbin only nods. It’s all he can do.

.

The park is empty at this time of the day and year. It’s late fall and too early in the morning to be walking around but Taekwoon wanted to see the sunrise and none of them could say no to him, even if they did tease him a little bit.

As they walk to what Jaehwan calls the best sunrise spot in the country, they all talk about plans for the week. They’ve continued schedules for now even if Hongbin’s has a less intense version of theirs. He doesn’t go on every variety show or talk show with them, only some. His heart is still recovering so they are waiting for a comeback until next year, when he should be cleared. He’s holding them back but they all assure him it’s okay. When he hears them working on solo projects, he’s proud. They’re amazing.

There are sad, wilted flowers that line the path that they walk together. They have all died in the cold fall and Hongbin hates that he didn’t get to see them at full bloom. He thinks they would have made pretty pictures.

The spot is perfect, like Jaehwan said it was, but Hongbin hardly watches the sunset. Instead he can’t help but watch his friends reactions to the rising sun. They seem content and happy, even if it’s cold. They’re happy to be here together, and he’s happy that he’s with them. Happy for the first time in a very long time.

“What are you thinking about, Binnie?” Taekwoon asks, softly smiling. The others are watching Hongbin now too and he just smiles.

“Nothing.” He lies, and they know he’s lying but don’t push it. He’s thinking about the five people who gave him the strength to fight, to keep fighting. He’s still looking for that will, but he isn’t in a rush. He’ll find it with them by his side.


End file.
